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A day in the life of a Mediator

Have you ever wondered what mediators do? If you are thinking of seeing one or want to know more about their work - here is a glimpse of a typical day. (All names have been changed). By Gill Cashdan of Mediation in Divorce.

Mediation Monday

'Hi, Gill - coffee's on & your first client's here!'
(and I haven't even got upstairs yet...)

It's half past eight & this is going to be a busy day: several mediation appointments, at various stages. But first of all a counselling session with a 17 year old, struggling with his A-levels and worrying where he'll be living when his parents split up...

Alan referred himself

Alan had referred himself, having picked up our leaflet at his local GP surgery. He'd been having trouble sleeping at night, with his parents quarrelling, hour after hour. Next day, in class, he could hardly stay awake, he was behind with his school work, all the teachers were on his back and his girlfriend was giving him grief 'cos he never had time to go out...

As for his parents, they were too busy with their own stuff to bother with him. He'd heard them shout the words 'Well, why don't you just leave?' and 'Get a divorce, then!'; but when he tried to find out what was going on, they never answered him straight, just said not to worry and they'd tell him when they'd sorted things out - as though he was a baby.

All they did was shout or sulk - it upset him, but it upset his little sister even more - she cried herself to sleep every night, and sometimes even wet the bed...
Alan needed to know what was going to happen: would his mum or his dad leave? and which one would he and his sister live with? or would they all have to move and change schools? surely not now?

Inviting his parents in

Of course, I couldn't give Alan all the answers, but he seemed to find it a relief to talk about it, privately, in a quiet place. He started thinking about how to get his parents to realise how he and his sister were feeling. In the end, he asked me to invite his parents to come in for a talk: perhaps they'd listen to me and then maybe there could be a family meeting?

I promised to tell them about mediation and how parents can sit down together & make plans for the future. I explained that this would need to be with one of my colleagues, so I could still be Alan's counsellor, if he wanted to come back later on. He said he'd ring for another appointment when he'd finished his 'mocks'.

And he went off to his first lesson - maths - and only half his homework done...

Then time for a father denied access.

Just time for a quick coffee, and my next appointment was there: a very upset Mr Jones, who'd moved out a few weeks ago, but wasn't being allowed to see his four year old twin daughters.

'It was fine at first', he said. 'But then their mum started saying how they got really upset every time I brought them back. Well it was true, they always cried and begged me not to go.' Their mum thought maybe it'd be better if they had a bit of time to settle down. I haven't seen them for three weeks now, I miss them so much and I'm sure they're missing me too. She just won't talk about it on the phone. I don't want to have a fight over the kids, but. what can I do?'

At MID we understand that it's always hard for children when a parent leaves and they can't have their mum and dad together any more. Then they have to leave one parent behind so they can see the other one. So they're always missing one of their parents, and one of their parents is always missing them...
I explained that, if he wanted, I could invite the girls' mother in for a private talk, like he was having, so she could put her point of view. Then they could both come in together and work out what they could do to help all of them - but especially their little girls - cope better with all the changes and separations.

In the meantime, maybe he could send his daughters a postcard with a short message, saying he was thinking about them - just so they didn't think he'd forgotten all about them? But first the girls' mother would need to be asked if she agreed, so she could help the twins enjoy getting the card, and so it didn't cause a row between the parents.

Money problems

Next I saw Mr and Mrs White, who were trying to sort out all the money and how to share it fairly, so they'd each have a home of their own. They decided it was best if the mum stayed in the family home with their three children: then they could stay at their schools and be close to all their friends.

But when they looked at what they earned and what they spent, these parents found they were a bit short of money so there wasn't going to be enough to buy a new home for Dad, not straight away. He'd already moved back in with his own mum and dad, who were being very nice about it. It seemed best if he carried on living with them for a year or so, while they got things sorted out. Mrs White was going to go back to work, part-time, so they hoped things would get a bit easier.

When children are afraid to speak out

Right at the end of the day, I saw Mr and Mrs Ali who had arranged to bring their four children in to meet me. There had been some problems about the elder two, boys of 13 & 11, going to spend each weekend with their dad, his wife & their new baby. The younger two, a girl of 8 and a boy of 6, had said they liked going, but they sometimes complained about missing a family get-together or a friend's birthday party.

Their parents decided to try and listen to what their children wanted, but the boys just wouldn't 'speak out', perhaps because they were afraid of hurting their parents feelings.

I saw all four children together at first, and explained that their mum and dad had given permission for them to say whatever they wanted about arrangements and I would only tell them what they, the children, really wanted their parents to hear. If any of them wanted to see me alone, or in twos, they were welcome - this was their time to think about what THEY wanted.

It was quickly agreed that they would all prefer to stay together. The two younger children started drawing on the flip-chart: one house on top of another one. These were the two homes where their parents lived. They showed their rooms in each house and where everyone ate and watched TV. In their dad's house, there was a tiny room with a beautiful cot for their new sister.

Then all the children said how sometimes she woke them up, crying in the night and that no one wanted to get up and take the elder boys to football club on Sundays, or the younger ones to the park. 'Anyway,' remarked Karim, the 6 year old, 'why do we all have to go at the same time? Dad doesn't really have time for us all and Mimi (his wife) says there's too much noise.

Coming up with a different plan

So they decided to ask their parents if they could go mostly on alternate weekends, which gave everyone a chance to have proper time with dad; the elder boys wanted him to get more involved with their sport and their homework; and everyone wanted the adults to try and make sure they got to their special events, like clubs and birthday parties, whichever parent they happened to be with.

As they worked out quite an elaborate timetable, the children asked me to write it up on the flipchart, then invite their parents in to explain it all properly. Then they thought I should ask the parents to come back and have another meeting, so they could work out what was possible - having expressed their wishes, the children did not want to be involved in negotiations - that was the adults' job!